Image via WikipediaFive Tools for Fighting Fair
There are five simple tools for fighting fair that will allow you to handle your next conflict with more satisfaction and less frustration. Not only do these tools work, you will be surprised that, if you use these simple guidelines, you will be able to continue to work, live and talk with each other with fewer conflicts.
Conflicts are inevitable and healthy. In fact, it is through conflicts that we learn the most about ourselves. Conflicts allow us to see our blind spots and to adjust our beliefs and actions at work, at home and in our most treasured relationships. There are three philosophies for handling conflict. First, we can avoid conflictual situations and the annoying people who don’t always agree with us; secondly, we can try to change the other person or control the situation in our favor; or thirdly, we can change how we respond to the conflict so that we will feel more satisfied at the end. When it is difficult to avoid a conflict and you have accepted the reality that you have no power to change the situation or the other person, it is time to accept the reality that the only clear choice is to contemplate a change in our own thoughts and behaviors. This may seem difficult and uncomfortable at first. If both parties know these tools and have agreed to give them a try, it is likely that both of you will come away satisfied that you have been heard and willing to cooperate for a positive outcome. If only one of you has the tools you can still be assured that you will come away from the dispute with your dignity and self-esteem intact.
1. LISTEN, LISTEN, LISTEN
Listening does more to resolve a conflict than any other tool. The best indication that you desire to resolve a conflict is to give your adversary your undivided attention and allow them to complete their thoughts without interrupting. If they are unable to return this favor, you may need to ask for an agreement to follow these rules in advance. Interrupting says to the other person, “What you are saying has no value.” It is a discussion killer. Many of my conflicts have been quickly resolved by simply listening intently. Oftentimes, all that is needed by the other party is to be heard. You can further demonstrate that you are listening by nodding your head, restating what they are emphasizing, and asking questions for further understanding. This does not mean that you are agreeing, but simply that you are making an effort to understand the point they are attempting to make. Once they have made their point and before you rebut their argument, summarize their point by restating it in your own words and without any judgment.
2. USE “I MESSAGES” TO COMMUNICATE YOUR FEELINGS
Using “I Messages” will help us to accept responsibility for choosing our own feelings and to stop blaming other people for how we feel. The reasons we get angry have more to do with our attitudes, attachments and egos than with the other person. Managing our anger and other negative thoughts and emotions is discussed in depth in other sections of this book. There are also other references on this topic in the Bibliography.
The basic “I message” looks like this:
“I feel _(emotion)________ when you __(action)_____________. “ It is also helpful, to add: “What I would like is ____(action)__________.”
This will seem canned and uncomfortable at first, but with practice you will be able to resort to this style of communicating an “I message” spontaneously and automatically. Using an “I message” stops any blaming and allows you to accept responsibility for your own feelings. It also helps the other person to understand how you might have been affected by their actions in a manner that is not confrontational.
Examples:
2. JUDGMENTS
Fair fighting is only fair when there are no put-downs. The best way to stay out of most conflicts is to refuse to offer a judgment, good or bad on anything unless you are asked. This may seem to be a difficult step; but when you try it, it is extremely freeing. When you offer your opinion on how things are or how they should be, it puts you in a place of superiority and suggests that you may think you know more than the other person. We have all rolled our eyes at someone who has told us how great we are or how wonderful we just did, because we know we are not getting an honest judgment. Alternatives to this could be to ask how the other person feels or to say how you feel instead of offering absolutes. For example, . . . . .
3. KITCHEN SINKING
Kitchen sinking is a tactic of bringing up the old conflicts (everything, even the kitchen sink!) for the purpose of hurting the other person, or to prove a point. Kitchen sinking is a way of getting or retaining power and control. It does little to resolve the present conflict. It usually will intensify emotions and derail a constructive discussion. Identify a topic with your “I message,” and then stick to the topic. Don’t bring up issues or topics from the past. It is impossible to resolve all the issues at once, so decide on the one issue you want to resolve in advance and stay focused. Once satisfied with the outcome of one successful argument, both parties will be more willing to try it again with other issues.
4. EMOTIONAL DUMPING
Take a ‘time-out’ when you are feeing angry or out of control. It is not okay to dump your emotions on others. It understandably difficult to hear criticisms that are very personal and it is expected that you might feel strong emotions. However, it will not be helpful for you to unload your emotions. It is likely to derail any effort to resolve the conflict. At times like this, it is appropriate and helpful to agree to take a 5 to 30 minute time out. You might be able to calm down by leaving the room and doing something physical like pacing, taking deep breaths or walking. It might help to call a friend and vent. Perhaps you can set your feelings aside to finish the discussion in 5-30 minutes. It is best to wait to share your negative feelings with a friend or significant other, who is more capable of listening and comforting you. If you can’t get calmed down, it would be best to ask for a longer period of time and/or re-schedule the discussion for another time.
PROBLEM SITUATIONS:
Sometimes you may discover that the use of the above formula does not give you the desired satisfaction. Here are some potential issues that may arise:
- · It doesn’t work! We still end up mad and yelling.
- · The other person won’t follow the rules.
- · It would be inappropriate to give the other person this sheet of suggestions. So I am the only one following them.
- · I didn’t get what I wanted, I am definitely not satisfied.
